On the other hand...

maybe I shouldn't have bothered.

After everyone had left what seemed like a very nice party -- music, people playing guitars on the front porch, dancing on the back patio, that low murmur of happy conversations -- , it was clear that Frank was pissed, that he'd been getting quieter and quieter, drinking more and more, probably for hours. And I hadn't noticed. [in point of fact, I am not supposed to notice him at parties; we are supposed to be independent, talk to other people; that is one of the rules]. It was only when we were saying goodnight to people that I noticed how he stood back from people, how curt he seemed, how much angry heat seemed to be radiating off of him

I'm not sure what to say about what happened afterward except that he was drunk and ugly and he called my friend Lisa a fucking dyke bitch cunt, when what I think what he meant was that she hadn't paid enough attention to a project he regarded as a great accomplishment, and while I do think that Lisa can occasionally be a bit of a drama queen, I actually heard what she said, and she was in fact quite congratulatory; she just didn't ask all the follow-up questions he might have wanted. The kind of questions I usually ask, that is.

I, apparently, had been too busy paying attention to his friend & business partner Ben, to notice how a friend of mine was mistreating him: "What does it take for a man to get some goddam respect in his own goddamn house?"

And then he was drunk and ugly and grabbed at my breasts, which I hate and slobbered in my ear, "But you, baby, you're beautiful, so beautiful, you make me want to fuck you." And, no, I didn't really want to fuck, thank you very much. But I also didn't want to walk back home in the dark, so I stayed, and it turned out he was so drunk he couldn't really do anything anyway except wear me out, and then he was angry about that and went out to the back porch to smoke a cigarette. I fell asleep.

Then in the morning: coffee, chocolate croissants, fresh-squeezed juice; french cafe music; all the kind words in the world. The FrankI know.

That's why I have to write about this. So I don't forget. Things like this can happen.